Wednesday, August 18, 2004

I'm having a hard time not being pregnant

The last two times I had a 16 month old, I was seven months pregnant.

Some of you know we started trying for another baby 14 months ago... I like having them close... I like even numbers so that everyone has a playfellow...

Now, here I am, 14 months later on cycle day 10... She Who Was Promised (14) has been stoutly indicating that we could do with another baby, because She Who Triumphs (1) is not so willing to cuddle as much as she once was. The Rose (4) has been hinting we need another baby, because she likes babies. She misses sitting on my lap and having a baby kick her from inside my belly. My husband maintains that we need to "fix" the fact I'm not pregnant yet. Am I broken? I sure feel broken. In the past 14 cycles there were two miscarriage, and three other instances that Fertility Friend said my chances for pregnancy were excellent. Five great chances... and I'm not pregnant. I feel really broken.

A pregnancy and TTC board I post on has had several pregnancy proclamations this week. I have been very happy for all of them. I have had two cycle buddies in the past year who are both pg, and I am exceedingly pleased for each of them. I still feel broken. I also see two others on the board who feel "broken" and when I see their posts, I feel like sobbing for them too. But really, I am glad for those who are pregnant! I'm glad there aren't more of us "broken"... that would really cause me to lose all hope. Seeing some are "fixed", even some who gave up hope long ago, gives me hope!

I know this is an issue of faith. Sometimes it's so easy for me to lay back and say "if the Lord wills, it will happen" and other times I panic and think "but what if the Lord doesn't will it?"

1 comment:

Zelie said...

Hi! I just stumbled upon your blog when searching for homeschooling blogs. :) I just wanted to say I understand how you feel when you say 'broken'. I think it's especially hard for others to understand that feeling when you already have kids (as we both do). Ha, I'm not being very clear, but I wanted to show my support! I hope you can find peace with this issue.